If you are going back to work because you need the money, and you don’t really feel you have a choice, then be honest with yourself about these circumstances. Is downsizing an option? Could you move from a house to an apartment in order to cut costs, that would allow you to stay home and care for your child yourself?

If the answer is yes, and it usually is, then be very clear with yourself about whether this is something you want to do or not. If your dream involves being in the house you’re in, and living the lifestyle that you’re living, even though you have to work so much that you need to hire help, then be clear that this is what you prefer to do. If you want to downsize, but your husband insists on maintaining your current lifestyle, and the only way to do so is if you work, then be clear about that. If your husband knows that you do not want to work, and he still insists that you do so, be clear with yourself that you are going along with this decision.

The reason for this thought process is so that you do not become a victim of your life, and that your child does not become the child of a victim.  Having a child is a big responsibility that many people thoughtlessly shirk off. Be aware of how you are delegating responsibility so that you and your family can have peace in the process.

How does this thought-process lead to peace? If you are honest with yourself, then you can be honest with your nanny that this is not your first choice and you would rather be home all the time with your child, but that you can’t afford to be. (You don’t have to tell the nanny about your relationship dynamic with your husband -- in fact, you should not. She will figure it out on her own, or not. But telling her about your marital relationship does not promote her doing a better job.) Tell her that you are lucky to be able to have someone like her, who can help out with the family so that you can earn money to pay for things like the house and your child’s college education. If she knows that is why she is being hired, she can have the choice to be empathetic and helpful. If she doesn’t know where you’re coming from, she may not realize how important it is for you to get your work done.

If you are clear with yourself, and your nanny that you hate missing your child’s developmental steps because you are at work, and would like to be “in the loop” of your child’s daily life as much as possible, your nanny can ideally accommodate your needs. She can call you when your child sits up or says a new word or takes a first step or looses a tooth if you like that. She can help the child re-create these landmarks for you by taking